healing – The BooBee Journey

Recurrence scare number 1

It has taken me weeks to write about this. I started and stopped twice. I just didn’t know how to put my thoughts into coherent words!

Two weeks ago I had a small surgery. Not surprisingly, it triggered all kinds of emotions. As I lay in the holding bay for theatre, I remembered the fear and the lack of control. The questions…. How big is the cancer? Is it in the lymph nodes? Will I need chemo? Will this kill me? It all came flooding back coupled with the new fear….. has it spread?

As I recover from this surgery, I realise this is my life now. Whilst I have healed from the breast cancer surgery and chemotherapy, the fear will always be there. It is something I have to learn to live with.

A friend from the ‘Sh*tty T*tty Committee’ told me this quote when we met over the weekend.

‘You are never out of the woods but learn to live between the trees’ (or something like that, I may have it slightly wrong!)

It is so pertinent.

Having spent most of this year in treatment mode, I have ticked off each step in my mind; surgery, chemo session 1,2,3,4, hormone blockers, surgeon visits, oncologist visits, and then entered into the rehabilitation phase with my physiotherapist, dietitian, psychologist, massage therapist, hairdresser and many more amazing professionals.

But now I enter the next phase, one I will never escape. I will always be a post breast cancer patient. I know that sounds very dramatic and I have purposely written it down to make myself understand. I had been living this year with the intention of conquering this thing by Christmas. I could put it all to bed and move on.

Whilst some of that is true, I had completely discounted the recurrent fear. Something very hard to overcome. The crazy lead up to Christmas will always remind me of the year I squeezed in the ultrasound appointment right before Christmas only to discover….. I had cancer.

But………

I will always be looking for ways to cast the fear aside. I will always be distracting myself by living my best life, experiencing as much as I can traveling, swimming and exploring new hobbies.

I will dodge those trees with vigour as I learn to live amongst them!

P.S. The results of this latest surgery were benign 🎉🎉🎉🎉

‘The comeback is greater than the setback’

Early in this journey a friend sent me the above quote. I loved it then and I love it now. It has been on my mind this week as I feel my strength returning and as Amber 2.0 is beginning to emerge.

There are changes I am noticing in the way I am approaching things…..

Things that used to scare me don’t (like helicopter rides).

Things that I found challenging aren’t (like being patient in a waiting room, love my sudoku).

I’m more likely to say what I want, I’ve got nothing to lose (you can always say no!).

I’m getting on and doing it (not just thinking about it).

I am finally starting to feel like me again but with improvements. I’ve got hair (albeit grey). I’ve got life. I’ve got health. I’ve got eyebrows!

The biggest change in my outlook this month has been focusing on exercise, both for my physical and mental health. I have been taking a rehabilitation gym class with a physiotherapist. Each week I surprise myself at how much I have improved and it feels so good.

I am swimming twice a week and for the first time in years I am back in the pool, having favoured the ocean. I forgot how much swimming is like meditation. Rhythm and flow. The black line is my friend.

There is no doubt I am coming back stronger. I won’t be taking life for granted anymore. Life is for living and with spring around the corner, I am looking forward to what is next.

Another milestone – debuting the hair in public!

Another month has gone by and to be honest not much has changed. This healing business is slow and the knock on effects of chemo just keep on giving!

Mentally I’m up and down. There are many days where I feel like myself, only to have a little setback and my mind runs wild with dooms day scenarios. I agonise over why certain things are not improving and try linking it to what I am doing, eating, saying, thinking or feeling. It’s exhausting.

But…… there are positives and I am celebrating the small wins.

Today I went out for coffee with a group of beautiful breast cancer survivors. I felt safe and inspired, so I took my hat off….. in a cafe! I don’t want to hide it anymore, I want to own it……. greys and all.

Winning!

It’s a major step forward and will only be hindered by the horrible weather we are having!! It is too cold to sit beside a soccer pitch in the rain without a beanie, hair or no hair!!

Nearly 3 months since last round of chemo

About six weeks ago I started in the gym with a physiotherapist who specialises in breast cancer rehabilitation. The aim was to get some strength into those muscles of mine that have sat idle for months, but in a careful and safe way. I felt so weak.

For the first time this week, I noticed a real difference when I completed a set of exercises I couldn’t do a fortnight earlier. My strength is returning. I’ll be ready for the ski field by January yet!

Winning.

There are many health issues cropping up that are unexpected, annoying and embarrassing. The only thing I can do is concentrate on celebrating the small wins.

I’m not normal me (I honestly thought I would be by now). I don’t even know what normal means anymore but I am starting to come to terms with the fact I am forever changed.

Realisation….. it’s a long haul

**** Before you read this, know that I am okay, I’m just trying to be true to myself and blog the reality of my situation ****

If I’m honest with you all, the last month has been really hard. I’ve started to write about four blogs but can’t seem to get out what I am trying to say. I don’t want it to be a poor me post, rather a post about the general aftermath of breast cancer treatment because I am 100% sure I am not alone in how I am feeling at the moment.

For five months, I was in a situation where I was going from one appointment to another, ticking of each box in the treatment cycle. I just wanted to get it done and know I had done everything I possibly could to kick cancer’s arse. I was strong and I was determined.

Then I finished.

I thought….. “right, time to get back to normal”, but it appears that is not how this works.

Apparently it takes time.

I am impatient. I want hair, I want normality, I want to work and I want to exercise. Every time I slightly overdo things, my body kicks me in the butt. Presently it’s with a chest infection.

There are many things about treatment you wouldn’t have even thought about. Like the fact I am now dealing with medically induced menopause. It sucks, my hot flushes are relentless and my brain some days struggles to function. But, the worst has been a clash in medication.

I haven’t been shy in the past about writing about my mental health struggles, so why start now? 🤣 For 15 years I have been treated for anxiety. For 15 years I have taken the same antidepressant. Just weeks after enduring the most difficult thing I have done in my life, I discovered this drug would reduce the effectiveness of Tamoxifen (the hormone blocker I will need to take for at least the next five years to reduce the chance of recurrence). I had to stop.

It took a month to wean off it and I immediately started an alternative. I have had support along the way with regular GP visits, psychologist appointment and other alternative therapies through Solaris Cancer Care. It has been done in a calculated and researched manner, but it has been hard. I have felt quite down and at times alone.

In true Amber style, I thought keeping as busy as possible would be the best way through, my psychologist even agreed. But my body did not. I got sick, and my defences just couldn’t fight it. I took antibiotics and carried on. Today I write this from bed, where I should have stayed a week ago.

Realisation…… I’m not super woman after all.

This week has made me realise, I still have a long way to go to heal from this ordeal both physically and mentally. I am telling myself everything will be there waiting when I am ready, but I have to stop thinking about when that might be. There is no timeline.

My hair is a good indication of slowly, slowly, I should heed its wisdom. It’s now two shades of grey instead of white so things can still change.

There you go, I still have a smile on my dial!!

A dose of sunshine and warmth is on the cards this week, just what the doctor ordered. Andy and I are off to Darwin on Friday to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. He needs this as much as I do, my rock throughout, but he is exhausted too.

Yay, https://thetravelbee.blog/ will get a run. Absolutely no talk of cancer on that channel!

A Bee with Hives

Hmmm…….. shouldn’t it be the other way around?!! A hive with bees.

Couple of little setbacks this week. Over the weekend I had a random allergic reaction to something (who knows what) which resulted in a very itchy Amber. I was covered in hives that moved from one area to another….. scalp to neck to bottom to knees to ankles to arms. Weird.

After a quick trip up to the oncologist yesterday, they are drastically improved with the help of steroids and two antihistamines. I am also suffering with runny eyes. Paradoxically, it seems I have ‘dry eye’, so eye drops for that.

Anyway, another day another side effect, but there is some good news this week. I didn’t believe Mum and Dad when they told me, but I have decided they might be right!! I’m growing some new fluff on my head!!

It’s very light in colour and similar to baby hair but any hair is a good sign right?!! Watch out….. my grey pixie cut is on the horizon!

Treatment 4: The aftermath – my head

I am nearly a week on from my last chemo treatment and my head is in a funny place. I have this constant nagging question ……. What happens now?

Yes, I know I still need to heal. I have the physical effects of chemo to recover from and hormonal treatment starting soon. But, I am anxious to move forward, move past the diagnosis and treatment. I need a plan of how I am I going to live my life post cancer.

I’ve mentioned before, things shouldn’t go back to how they were. I cannot continue to do a million things, achieve a million things and expect myself to perform the way I always have. I have to slow down, I have to be compassionate towards myself and I have to finally learn to say no because……. well…….. my life actually depends on it now (dramatic but true).

But how?

How do you find a balance between a healthy lifestyle, making ends meet, feeling fulfilled and challenged, yet not overworked and overwhelmed? It’s not going to be easy and will likely be the biggest challenge of this whole journey.

It’s about a fundamental change in mindset. I have to think more about what I really want to be doing with my time, not what I think I should be doing with my time. At yoga this week I received this affirmation. It is quite fitting don’t you think?

With small changes and adjustments, and without big expectations I should surely be able to do less!! (please remind me I said this when I am feeling frustrated or overdoing it!).

I’m starting simple, focusing on keywords. Today’s……

Time

Family

Love

I’m taking time in my family home, surrounded by love, to try and love myself (faults, scars and quirks).

My assistant is with me and we are puzzling. She seems ok with my faults……. except one……. a late feed! That will never be acceptable!

Surgical review

Warning: some personal details

Yesterday, the day after my second chemo treatment (not the smartest planning) we headed to Perth for my two month surgical review.

My body was going through a few wee chemo side effects which resulted in an emergency toilet break and can you imagine? …… they were closed with plumbing issues!! I was very uncomfortable and couldn’t believe my bad luck. Luckily, Andy managed to get us across the highway to toilets on the other side before an accident, and all was right in the world again!!

We carried on to Perth had a picnic lunch in a lovely little park before heading to the consultant. In the carpark, Andy gave me an injection into my stomach. I have this 24 hours after chemo treatment to stimulate the bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. We felt like junkies and had a laugh as we disposed of the evidence. When I have this injection, it takes the wind out of my sails pretty quick. By the time I was in the waiting room I was almost asleep.

Anyway I woke up enough and great news, the surgeon is impressed with my healing progress. She was happy to hear I am back in the water and I have her green light to go back to work (lucky because I start on Friday!). I don’t need to see her for another six months which is fantastic.

The most interesting part of the appointment though was when she showed me my ‘before’ pictures. This is something a friend and I were discussing last week…… did I have photos?? I had completely forgotten to take some and also forgotten the surgeon did at my first consultation.

It was very weird sitting there looking at my old boobs from several different angles. She then took the ‘post’ pictures. I look completely different naked, but in clothes I think not many of you have noticed. I take my hat off to my surgeon and all the work she does. I am very happy with the result and think of her not only as a life saver but as an artist. She has made me look better!! Neither myself nor Andy felt any kind of sadness when looking at the before pictures.

So, another box ticked! I am getting through this thing and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m really looking forward to getting back to work and to my new form of normality. I will remain forever changed physically and mentally but now it is time to start turning that to my advantage and carrying on with a fuller, yet less cluttered life.

Getting back in the water!

I got in the car today and the song that came on Spotify was ‘Best day of my life’ by American Authors. I had the biggest smile on my face because I knew it was going to be true….. I was heading to the lagoon!!

The last swim I had was the 7th of January and mentally it has taken its toll. The water has always been where I clear my head and process life.

Boredom set in on Friday last week. For months I had been coping, gently pottering around getting little jobs done and making macrame. But suddenly….. it wasn’t enough and I was beginning to struggle with stillness.

To go from a busy (probably over committed) life, to days that have no structure or purpose, is hard. Friends and family point out, my ‘purpose’ should be to heal and recover but my mind says……surely I can multi-task?!!

So, for days I was struggling internally when it suddenly occurred to me…….. it was time to get back in the water. With the surgery wounds healed and heading into week 2 of treatment when symptoms are starting to subside, I felt strong enough and I knew that even if I just bobbed around, the salt water would soothe me.

I arranged to meet my lagoon buddy and we just did it! It was a glorious autumn morning, slightly crisp but sunny. Surf was good and the carpark was packed. The lagoon itself a turquoise haven, had an interesting current running and swell spilling in.

My anticipation and excitement was palpable. My friend kept me grounded and reminded me to take things very slowly. As we waded into the water, I could feel the tension in my body melting. Diving forward and submerging my head, I was back in my other world of fish, weed, rocks and salt.

My arms started moving automatically and I was swimming. Things felt a little bit odd and there was a tightness in my pectoral muscles stopping me from stretching to my full reach, but that didn’t matter. I made it out to the rock against the swell and I knew I was doing okay.

I managed 700m which I was quite pleased with. It was slow and my legs were like jelly but I was in the water. The further I swam, the more my muscles loosened but in the end, fatigue got the better of me. I lay on my back and floated around gazing at the sky.

Tonight I feel so much better, everything feels a little bit clearer and I am more content with where I find myself. I need to accept that it takes to time heal and enduring boredom is part of the process.

And yes….. today was one of the best days of my life. Hitting the water was like coming home.

Treatment 1: The aftermath

So far so good. It’s only day 3, so I’m not getting too excited yet. I feel very chemical……. I’m excreting it, exhaling it and crying it. I can feel it everywhere.

I am going to describe something that will likely make me sound a bit crazy but bear with me, it’s just because I am a visual person…..

A few weeks ago, I described to a friend about how antibiotics are like a little cleaner man, running around your body, sweeping germs out of the corners. Well….. if that was my analogy, then chemotherapy is like having an army inside you. They have guns, tear gas, grenades and other chemical warfare. They are running, ducking and weaving. Diving and rolling. Searching and searching.

I am not a person who believes in war, except in this case. My body is at war and I am encouraging those soldiers to get the job done. Find any little runaway cells, the rouges and defectors and kill them dead, in whichever manner they need to.

From the outside, I am still looking and feeling ok. A bit bloated from steroids and tired looking, but I am getting on with my days. The macrame orders are coming along nicely and I am resting when needed. I managed a 20 minute walk last night.

More than anything I am staying positive. This little blip in the road will not get me down. It will make me stronger. Cancer, you picked the wrong person to mess with.

But, I’m not going to pretend I feel this positive all the time. I had a moment last night, where I suddenly felt acutely aware not only of the chemicals inside me, but of the tissue I’ve lost. I shed a few tears. It was the first time I’ve mourned the part of me that is gone forever.

I haven’t written about the surgery I chose, simply because I believe everyone should make their own decisions. Every breast cancer, the circumstances surrounding it and the person fighting it, are different. I would not want to sway anyone. My choice and reasonings, belong only to me. I have alluded to it along the way, but I won’t share the complete details on this forum (happy to talk or private message though).

Anyway, I’m all good and just plodding along gently.

Asking for and accepting help

This is a continuation of my last blog post https://theboobee.blog/2025/02/19/to-tell-or-not-to-tell/. What happens once people know…..

I have never been very good at accepting help. I never, never ask anyone for help, because in my mind it is a sign of weakness. To me, it means I am not capable of sorting myself out. I would rather ‘bust a gut’, ‘run around like a headless chicken’ and almost systematically feed my anxiety, just to prove I can do it all.

But the situation I now find myself in, has made me look back and realise how silly that all sounds. Who was I trying to prove myself to??

The answer of course is……………. me. No one else ever put that pressure on me or expected me to do everything…………… except perhaps my children. But, that is purely because I created that kind of environment and those expectations at home. I did so much for them, that it became an expectation.

In this modern world, everyone is busy and caught up in their own stuff. None of us are immune. Sometimes we completely loose sight of those around us and what they can do for us, but also what we can do for them. We are afraid to put burdens on each other because we are barely coping with our own shit, without taking on someone else’s.

But when something like the big C comes along, somehow an army of people around me, created space in their lives to help. From meals and baking that arrived on my doorstep, to the crafts and activities, to the friend who sat and crafted with me, to those that drove me places, to those that made sure my children were doing ok, to medical advice and supplies, to today’s homegrown vegetable delivery and weeks of beautiful messages of support.

I didn’t ask for any of it, but I certainly appreciated every single bit of it. And for the first time I was able to accept it all without feeling terrible about troubling people. It’s because I felt like a had a valid excuse to accept it! (So silly) But what I noticed, was how much they were getting out of it too. Not only was it helping me, it was helping them to feel useful and needed.

It is proven that volunteering is one of the most healthy things you can do for yourself. It offers a sense of fulfilment, breaks your daily routine and offers new relationships. The whole crux of being needed as a volunteer is that someone asked for help in the first place. Nothing to be ashamed of, but something to be celebrated. It shows bravery, self awareness and a healthy knowledge of boundaries and capabilities.

So, one of the many things I am learning on this is journey, is that it is okay to admit you need help, to accept the help of friends and family as well as strangers. You never know what beautiful relationships may develop.

I received a message of well wishes the other day from a lady whose dog my daughter and I walked for 2 years when she was not able. We developed a special relationship that I had almost forgotten about because I was too ‘busy’. Her circumstances changed and we rarely see her. Having heard my news, she sent messages of love and support.

It reminded me that, although it is impossible to keep every relationship alive and current, we can always send our love when needed, and whatever little thing we can do to help, will be appreciated. And, above all……… when you need it……….. never be afraid to ask for help.

P.S Let’s see if I can heed my own advice!