Tag Archives: health

A year on from chemo

A year on and I recently realised I have done myself (and perhaps you) a disservice. I stopped writing.

I stopped blogging, not because my story ended, quite the contrary. I stopped because I thought I should be back to ‘normal’. I genuinely thought I should have ticked the breast cancer box, got an A+ and moved on from it. The truth is that I haven’t moved on nor should I expect to. I will never ‘move on’ but I can continue on with breast cancer as a part of me.

I thought people wouldn’t want to know about it anymore, that they would be suffering with compassion fatigue. I forgot the whole point of writing was to help me process and to maybe help others in my situation. I forgot that people don’t have to read this. I forgot that talking or writing about my struggles gives me strength.

So, I am back to tell it how it is and to build myself back up again.

Twelve whole months down the line. I have hair, I have colour (in my face and hair), I am fitter and I look like Amber. But…. do I feel like Amber?

The truth is… most days I am okay and everything does feel ‘normal’. I do feel like Amber. Then there are days where I am an emotional mess and can’t seem to coordinate even the most basic aspects of my life. Those days, I feel like a whole other far more useless person.

I am up and down, moody, grumpy and tired. I am often overstimulated and hardly sleep. I am acting and feeling a bit like a teenager, which isn’t that surprising when you think about it. I am in the midst of a reverse puberty. Chemotherapy followed by hormone treatment is brutal. Estrogen has ‘left the building’ as my friend said yesterday.

I was beginning to think I was going crazy but over the last two weeks I have started talking again and realised ……. I am not crazy, neither am I alone on this roller coaster. Breast cancer or no breast cancer, hormone changes suck.

Contrary to what I had hoped, there is no perfect way to handle this. It is what it is and like in many aspects of my life, it is time to stop striving for perfection because we all know…………. it doesn’t exist.

Ax

‘The comeback is greater than the setback’

Early in this journey a friend sent me the above quote. I loved it then and I love it now. It has been on my mind this week as I feel my strength returning and as Amber 2.0 is beginning to emerge.

There are changes I am noticing in the way I am approaching things…..

Things that used to scare me don’t (like helicopter rides).

Things that I found challenging aren’t (like being patient in a waiting room, love my sudoku).

I’m more likely to say what I want, I’ve got nothing to lose (you can always say no!).

I’m getting on and doing it (not just thinking about it).

I am finally starting to feel like me again but with improvements. I’ve got hair (albeit grey). I’ve got life. I’ve got health. I’ve got eyebrows!

The biggest change in my outlook this month has been focusing on exercise, both for my physical and mental health. I have been taking a rehabilitation gym class with a physiotherapist. Each week I surprise myself at how much I have improved and it feels so good.

I am swimming twice a week and for the first time in years I am back in the pool, having favoured the ocean. I forgot how much swimming is like meditation. Rhythm and flow. The black line is my friend.

There is no doubt I am coming back stronger. I won’t be taking life for granted anymore. Life is for living and with spring around the corner, I am looking forward to what is next.

Ax

Next tick box

I have had three days to process the next step in my journey. I said the other day, I was shell shocked. That wasn’t quite right, I know enough about this stuff to know chemotherapy was always going to be on the cards. It wasn’t a complete surprise or bolt from the blue.

What I actually was, was deeply disappointed (thanks Dad for giving me the right word) and scared. I was disappointed that I was going to have to walk an unknown road, the road on which I have vast knowledge gaps. And what I don’t understand and am not in control of, makes me scared…….

I don’t know how the drugs will make me feel, I don’t know what will happen to my hair, I don’t know how my children will feel with a mother that will outwardly look sick and I don’t know how I’ll cope with looking and feeling sick. I am not good at sitting still.

But then I reminded myself, I have chosen to undertake chemotherapy because it will give me the best chance of never seeing this thing ever again and living a long and fulfilling life. I also reminded myself, there are plenty of people out there (that I know even) that have done this before as well as plenty that can help me negotiate it.

On Wednesday, I started the day by crying on a friend’s shoulder. Then, I got on with it. I read all of the information from my oncologist, I got on the phone and I started calling for help. I spoke to a McGrath nurse I know through work. After her initial surprise, she was straight onto helping to fill my knowledge gaps. She emailed information specific to my questions and referred me onto Breast Cancer Care WA for counselling support.

I made it my mission to understand as much as I could. A close and very special friend visited and insisted she would be my chemo buddy. This was a great comfort and another thing I don’t need to worry or think about. Others sent messages of support and reminders of how strong I am. I read every one and then I got my big girl pants on and started to flex those ‘strong’ muscles.

Thursday was all about my hair. I still haven’t made a decision about what I will do, but I researched cold cap therapy, debriefed with a friend and called my hairdresser. I talked to my children about what they would feel comfortable with, and I started ordering headwear.

So, that is where I am at….. my knowledge is improving and I am working towards just ticking that next box.

Oh ………………. and I am on a macrame mission.

Ax