A year on from chemo

A year on and I recently realised I have done myself (and perhaps you) a disservice. I stopped writing.

I stopped blogging, not because my story ended, quite the contrary. I stopped because I thought I should be back to ‘normal’. I genuinely thought I should have ticked the breast cancer box, got an A+ and moved on from it. The truth is that I haven’t moved on nor should I expect to. I will never ‘move on’ but I can continue on with breast cancer as a part of me.

I thought people wouldn’t want to know about it anymore, that they would be suffering with compassion fatigue. I forgot the whole point of writing was to help me process and to maybe help others in my situation. I forgot that people don’t have to read this. I forgot that talking or writing about my struggles gives me strength.

So, I am back to tell it how it is and to build myself back up again.

Twelve whole months down the line. I have hair, I have colour (in my face and hair), I am fitter and I look like Amber. But…. do I feel like Amber?

The truth is… most days I am okay and everything does feel ‘normal’. I do feel like Amber. Then there are days where I am an emotional mess and can’t seem to coordinate even the most basic aspects of my life. Those days, I feel like a whole other far more useless person.

I am up and down, moody, grumpy and tired. I am often overstimulated and hardly sleep. I am acting and feeling a bit like a teenager, which isn’t that surprising when you think about it. I am in the midst of a reverse puberty. Chemotherapy followed by hormone treatment is brutal. Estrogen has ‘left the building’ as my friend said yesterday.

I was beginning to think I was going crazy but over the last two weeks I have started talking again and realised ……. I am not crazy, neither am I alone on this roller coaster. Breast cancer or no breast cancer, hormone changes suck.

Contrary to what I had hoped, there is no perfect way to handle this. It is what it is and like in many aspects of my life, it is time to stop striving for perfection because we all know…………. it doesn’t exist.

Ax