Life after cancer – The BooBee Journey

12 month oncology appointment

I saw my oncologist this week. My appointments continue three monthly. This means that regardless of how well I have been travelling, I get a reminder that I am still a cancer patient and the risk of recurrence will always be there.

Given the surgery I chose, there are no follow up scans or tests I can have to ease my mind. I’m not sure if this is good or bad. No ‘scanxiety’ but I am solely relying on the vigilance of myself and my oncologist. She examines me, asks me a bunch of questions ranging from my bowel habits to my mental health and I am on my way again.

I just have to take her word that all is well. Fortunately, I do feel that all is well.

I’ve started experiencing a few weird sensations around my surgery sites. At first it worried me, but I think it is just a sign of my nerves beginning to repair themselves. What I thought was pain, is really just sensation in an area that was previously numb. Much like a local anaesthetic wearing off I suppose.

I have a lot of tightness around my right shoulder which has been bothering me a bit. Apparently this is a common side effect 12-18 months after surgery. The scar tissue is becoming more rigid so I am working hard in the gym to maintain movement. Swimming helps too.

So that is where I am at physically. Still healing but moving forward. At this stage, it really is a mental game. Finding balance between doing everything I can to stay healthy and my old life of work and Mum. Some days it’s difficult, I still get tired. Others I’m a ball of energy!

We each find our own ways to cope.

Recurrence scare number 1

It has taken me weeks to write about this. I started and stopped twice. I just didn’t know how to put my thoughts into coherent words!

Two weeks ago I had a small surgery. Not surprisingly, it triggered all kinds of emotions. As I lay in the holding bay for theatre, I remembered the fear and the lack of control. The questions…. How big is the cancer? Is it in the lymph nodes? Will I need chemo? Will this kill me? It all came flooding back coupled with the new fear….. has it spread?

As I recover from this surgery, I realise this is my life now. Whilst I have healed from the breast cancer surgery and chemotherapy, the fear will always be there. It is something I have to learn to live with.

A friend from the ‘Sh*tty T*tty Committee’ told me this quote when we met over the weekend.

‘You are never out of the woods but learn to live between the trees’ (or something like that, I may have it slightly wrong!)

It is so pertinent.

Having spent most of this year in treatment mode, I have ticked off each step in my mind; surgery, chemo session 1,2,3,4, hormone blockers, surgeon visits, oncologist visits, and then entered into the rehabilitation phase with my physiotherapist, dietitian, psychologist, massage therapist, hairdresser and many more amazing professionals.

But now I enter the next phase, one I will never escape. I will always be a post breast cancer patient. I know that sounds very dramatic and I have purposely written it down to make myself understand. I had been living this year with the intention of conquering this thing by Christmas. I could put it all to bed and move on.

Whilst some of that is true, I had completely discounted the recurrent fear. Something very hard to overcome. The crazy lead up to Christmas will always remind me of the year I squeezed in the ultrasound appointment right before Christmas only to discover….. I had cancer.

But………

I will always be looking for ways to cast the fear aside. I will always be distracting myself by living my best life, experiencing as much as I can traveling, swimming and exploring new hobbies.

I will dodge those trees with vigour as I learn to live amongst them!

P.S. The results of this latest surgery were benign 🎉🎉🎉🎉

I’m a survivor!

Today marks a very important day…………..the completion of my last three week cycle of chemotherapy. It is officially over, my bloods are good and it is time to move forward with my life. From this point on, I can consider myself a cancer survivor 🎉🎉

Wow, what a journey it has been…….

From the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I put the ultrasound probe on my own breast, to the shock of hearing the actual words “it’s a lobular breast cancer”, to the surgical decisions, to the prospect of chemotherapy, to losing my hair, to feeling completely debilitated, to today, seeing that bright light at the end of the tunnel.

I have taken you all on my journey and I thank each and every one of you for reading. I hope in some small way my words might help others. The support I have received throughout has been amazing and unwavering. I have learned so much about myself and about human nature. I feel privileged and humbled to live and work in such a supportive community.

I will continue to share with you how I am traveling as I am not naive enough to think that the story ends here, but the updates will be less often. I know there will still be challenges and unseen hurdles but I am confident I am now better equipped to deal with…….. shit (for want of a better word!).

You know me…….. always one to do my homework. I plan on reading this and adhering to as much of the advice as I can, because what I want more than anything, is to move forward with a fulfilling and positive life. One that is bigger, better and happier (less stressed) than pre-cancer.