love – The BooBee Journey

Treatment 4: The aftermath – my head

I am nearly a week on from my last chemo treatment and my head is in a funny place. I have this constant nagging question ……. What happens now?

Yes, I know I still need to heal. I have the physical effects of chemo to recover from and hormonal treatment starting soon. But, I am anxious to move forward, move past the diagnosis and treatment. I need a plan of how I am I going to live my life post cancer.

I’ve mentioned before, things shouldn’t go back to how they were. I cannot continue to do a million things, achieve a million things and expect myself to perform the way I always have. I have to slow down, I have to be compassionate towards myself and I have to finally learn to say no because……. well…….. my life actually depends on it now (dramatic but true).

But how?

How do you find a balance between a healthy lifestyle, making ends meet, feeling fulfilled and challenged, yet not overworked and overwhelmed? It’s not going to be easy and will likely be the biggest challenge of this whole journey.

It’s about a fundamental change in mindset. I have to think more about what I really want to be doing with my time, not what I think I should be doing with my time. At yoga this week I received this affirmation. It is quite fitting don’t you think?

With small changes and adjustments, and without big expectations I should surely be able to do less!! (please remind me I said this when I am feeling frustrated or overdoing it!).

I’m starting simple, focusing on keywords. Today’s……

Time

Family

Love

I’m taking time in my family home, surrounded by love, to try and love myself (faults, scars and quirks).

My assistant is with me and we are puzzling. She seems ok with my faults……. except one……. a late feed! That will never be acceptable!

Treatment 4: The bell ringing

Today was the best day! I cannot begin to explain what a relief it is to know that chemo is behind me. No matter what happens next, I am through the worst of it.

The day started with our ritual giggle about the weird hat in the waiting room. I think I like this style the best 🤣 Without fail we laugh until we cry. I will miss this part of chemotherapy!

From there we headed to the dreaded weighing station (I won’t miss that) and then into my treatment room. My communications whiteboard greeted me with the message below, it put a smile on my face right away. The chemo nurses are so lovely and empathetic, they always know what to do, say or write.

The treatment itself went well and the kids turned up just in time for the bell ringing ceremony. They insisted on being there and it was lovely to share the celebration with them (most of you will have seen the video on Facebook). What a moment it was, the camera didn’t catch the tears in my eyes.

From there, we headed to The Parade Hotel for a celebration lunch. All smiles and one of the few times I’ve seen Charlie not finish a meal!

It’s been such a journey, but the kindness and support I have received has been unbelievable and I feel very lucky to be a part of such a great community and to have wonderful family and friends. Nikki has been my rock through chemo and I love her to bits for being there at the shitty times.

So now I rest and then in three weeks I find out what’s next. The journey is not over but I am confident the worst part is. We await the genetic test results and I already know hormone blockers are on the horizon. More side effects to negotiate, but that’s ok if it saves my life.

Thank you to every one of you for following my journey and providing support. You don’t know how much strength it gives me.

Next tick box

I have had three days to process the next step in my journey. I said the other day, I was shell shocked. That wasn’t quite right, I know enough about this stuff to know chemotherapy was always going to be on the cards. It wasn’t a complete surprise or bolt from the blue.

What I actually was, was deeply disappointed (thanks Dad for giving me the right word) and scared. I was disappointed that I was going to have to walk an unknown road, the road on which I have vast knowledge gaps. And what I don’t understand and am not in control of, makes me scared…….

I don’t know how the drugs will make me feel, I don’t know what will happen to my hair, I don’t know how my children will feel with a mother that will outwardly look sick and I don’t know how I’ll cope with looking and feeling sick. I am not good at sitting still.

But then I reminded myself, I have chosen to undertake chemotherapy because it will give me the best chance of never seeing this thing ever again and living a long and fulfilling life. I also reminded myself, there are plenty of people out there (that I know even) that have done this before as well as plenty that can help me negotiate it.

On Wednesday, I started the day by crying on a friend’s shoulder. Then, I got on with it. I read all of the information from my oncologist, I got on the phone and I started calling for help. I spoke to a McGrath nurse I know through work. After her initial surprise, she was straight onto helping to fill my knowledge gaps. She emailed information specific to my questions and referred me onto Breast Cancer Care WA for counselling support.

I made it my mission to understand as much as I could. A close and very special friend visited and insisted she would be my chemo buddy. This was a great comfort and another thing I don’t need to worry or think about. Others sent messages of support and reminders of how strong I am. I read every one and then I got my big girl pants on and started to flex those ‘strong’ muscles.

Thursday was all about my hair. I still haven’t made a decision about what I will do, but I researched cold cap therapy, debriefed with a friend and called my hairdresser. I talked to my children about what they would feel comfortable with, and I started ordering headwear.

So, that is where I am at….. my knowledge is improving and I am working towards just ticking that next box.

Oh ………………. and I am on a macrame mission.