I am feeling a bit frustrated and frozen.
Frozen in the tunnel of post cancer and hormone treatment.
My shoulder is frozen.
My brain is frozen.
I just don’t feel like me.
I have to keep remembering that I am trying to discover the ‘new’ me. The me that accepts cancer happened and that it changed me. Instead of getting frustrated about what it took from me, I need to focus on what it gave me. I know this, yet…… I feel angry it has now stolen the one thing that keeps me sane.
Swimming.
I cannot swim with a frozen shoulder.
I miss the rhythm, I miss the coolness, I miss the way it clears my head, and I am really struggling to find a replacement. I’ll admit there have been other times in my life when I haven’t been swimming, but this is different. That was by choice. This time, even if I wanted to, I can’t. My arm simply does not go above my head.
For now, I have to find something that gives me some sense of satisfaction, a sense of calm. I am walking and cycling. I go to Pilates. These are all good, but something is missing. I think it is the rhythm. Where do I find rhythm because for me, it is meditation. I need to find something else that gives me that feeling.
I love how writing this blog gives me a chance to decompress. To think things through and really work out how I am feeling. Instead of just going on and on like I have been. It allows me to set things out, go back and delete thoughts, re-write them until they feel right. Then I find things that were always there.
What else gives me rhythm?
I’m sorry peeps, but there is one other thing.
Husband will not be pleased.
I need to get back on the macrame train (and just in time or Christmas!).
That’s right, I forgot. Cancer gave me macrame!!
A x
P.S. Open to commissions.
