Treatment 2: The aftermath – Going, going….. gone

In the interest of honesty and realism….. the last three days have been really tough. There has been so much doubt, a lot of tears and a lot of self reflection.

It started on Thursday. I just felt really down and emotional. I think it was coming off the steroids that triggered it. I was at home and couldn’t really bring myself to do anything. A couple of well timed visits from Mum and two friends, got me through the day.

I wanted to be getting excited, because on Friday I was going back to work. But I couldn’t muster the energy, even though I knew getting back to some normality is exactly what I need. I am done with sitting around thinking and reflecting, it’s time to move forward.

But something was niggling me…..

On Friday I awoke to a head of matted fluff masquerading as hair. I got in the shower hoping to give it a wash and make it look presentable. I wet it and it came out in clumps. It was 6:30am and I didn’t know what to do. I was too scared to shampoo, I was too scared to touch it. I drove to work in the rain with it dangling limply.

I walked in the door and was welcomed warmly by my beautiful work friends. The first thing I said was “I’m having a really bad hair day”. The girls were lovely and encouraging, buoying me up as best they could.

I got stuck into my day, feeling my way around my new non-clinical role. It was so good to be using my brain and to feel like I had something to contribute. The day flew by.

But…….. boy did I underestimate how much it would take out of me. By the time I got home I could barely speak. It took me 10 minutes just to get out of the car!! I walked in, turned on the oven (to reheat a meal delivered on Thursday) and got into bed.

Then I cried for an hour.

I realised, it wasn’t about work ….. it was my hair. Work had managed to distract me for a few hours but deep down, I knew the time had come. It had to go. But I still wasn’t ready.

This morning, after a sleepless night (despite being exhausted) I again woke to hair all over the pillow, an itchy scalp and lots of knots. I got in the shower and tried to wash it. As I massaged the shampoo I felt it tangle more and more. The drain was full, I was crying and yelling at Andy.

Get it off my head now!!

I started at it with the macrame scissors attacking the most matted areas. Then Andy came with the clippers. It was a relief and it was heartbreaking all at once.

I’m not ready to show you what it looks like just yet. Mr Bee did a brilliant job in my hour of need but I am seeing my trusted hairdresser this afternoon……. just to make me as presentable as possible but also to make me feel a bit more like me……. the girl who has her regular and religious appointments.

Ax