4:20am clunk. The last cog just turned.
I do not need to talk so much ever again ✅
I do not need to explain everything I’m thinking to every person that crosses my path.
I can write it down and whoever wants to listen can read it.
I can now rest my tongue and listen to the world around me. The beautiful place where the birds sing and the waves crash.
Last little tears.
And breathe.
Now I truly heal.
And I promise, this morning there are no drugs.
Ax
Disclaimer: Still hold your stitches and perhaps, make sure no one is driving a car!
It’s the middle of the night again and I realised there is more to that recent blog. I’ve also realised 2-3am is when I write best. Although several have said since reading part 1, my best writing is on drugs. Well sorry about that but I’m not sure where or how I will ever get that concoction again and I’m not sure I should!!!!!
So at this time of the day/night I often have a cry. I now realise, this is not new to hospital, it must just be emotional o’clock for me. I have also said to Andy frequently in recent years, why am I so serious all the time. How do I become more lighthearted and relaxed like you? He has said, you just have to be able to laugh at yourself.
Well, the nurse just popped her head in to see if I am ok because she heard me coughing. I was coughing because tonight I cannot stop laughing……. at myself and my drug fuelled Amber version 2.0.
What an idiot.
Mum did say a couple of days ago (not sure when, I’ve lost all sense of time) “Amber, I’m worried because I love version 1 Amber”.
Well, don’t worry Mum, you were right, that version 2.0 thing was a whole lot of bullshit. OG Amber was pretty good, she just needed a few small adjustments.
So….. I can now laugh at myself ✅ I can identify my trauma ✅ I can get help to face that trauma ✅ (notice I say get help, yesterday I believed I was a psychologist and could easily fix myself!!!) Oh, and I can beat breast cancer ✅
As far as rubbish I have sent or spoken. Not everyone has read the part one blog yet, but judging by the comments coming back, it was really only family and a couple of close friends that received or heard some abnormal data. Perhaps as a friend suggested, my worry about seeing a message I don’t remember, was just some drug amnesia happening.
But……. My daughter is the one who received the all time best comment. I told her, I was going to ‘rise from the ashes like a Phoenix’ 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Being an avid fantasy reader and Harry Potter enthusiast, I knew this would appeal to her (at least I had that part right). But the funny part is…….. I was so smug about my comment. I mentioned it to my husband several times. I thought it was the best comment ever and I’m ashamed to say, this was yesterday, not day 1,2,3. I should have been seeing clearer.
Her response was…. “Wow very inspirational” and my husband simply said…….. “I haven’t seen you burst into flames Amber”. It was good and it was relevant, but I did worry her. She thought I had gone to cloud cuckoo land!
This is where I now realise, my husband is fine. He always is. He must have watched the last 6 days and listened to some of the comments and thought……… yep…….. she’s on drugs.
Incidentally, I do need to get out of here now. For my medical friends…. yesterday afternoon I managed to self diagnosis myself using my ‘ultrasound vision’ with a seroma, a DVT and superficial thrombophlebitis.
Get me out.
Ax
Be warned, this one will be funny and there will be swear words. If you happen to have stitches anywhere at the moment, hold on to them so as not to split them.
What the actual fuck??!!!
Please tell me you all know I’m on drugs right?!!
As the clouds lift, it has just occurred to me how much garbage I have been spilling, both verbally and written. I scrolled back on one group chat and saw a message I have no recollection of sending. It wasn’t a bad one but enough for me to wonder what I have been writing and saying.
As far as the blogs go, they make sense and I standby what I have written. The last one in particular, has drawn a lot of comments and was absolutely a break through. I only got one thing wrong. I didn’t need to get breast cancer or have an asthma attack to find my trauma…….. I needed to get high!!! Drugged to oblivion.
So tonight I am here to say, if you got a very strange message from me at any point, please please ignore it or at least put it in perspective. Or if I chewed your ear off with a tidal wave of me explaining my new insights, the me who seemed to know and understand everything about myself………. Perspective.
I am no superhero with super healing powers. Even until 3pm today I thought I was. But alas, I am a normal woman who received a shitty diagnosis and is trying to make the best of her situation.
My positivity hasn’t changed with this latest revelation and I will still kick this thing to the kerb but I have been behaving like a dementia patient that has the odd moment of clarity. You never know which bit is real!!!
Believe the blogs. I’m not sure about the rest, if it helps you to believe it, then be my guest. If nothing else, I can write. Maybe it was all spot on… I don’t know. I’m just not quite as amazing as you all think.
But hell….. those drugs are.
Next time (of course there won’t be a next time), Andy please take my phone away until at least day 4. And Andy, what you have sat through….. you deserve a medal. I suspect you are the only one who knew quite how high I actually was.
Ax
Again, everyone I’m sorry.
The BooBee Journey