Tag Archives: self compassion

Another milestone – debuting the hair in public!

Another month has gone by and to be honest not much has changed. This healing business is slow and the knock on effects of chemo just keep on giving!

Mentally I’m up and down. There are many days where I feel like myself, only to have a little setback and my mind runs wild with dooms day scenarios. I agonise over why certain things are not improving and try linking it to what I am doing, eating, saying, thinking or feeling. It’s exhausting.

But…… there are positives and I am celebrating the small wins.

Today I went out for coffee with a group of beautiful breast cancer survivors. I felt safe and inspired, so I took my hat off….. in a cafe! I don’t want to hide it anymore, I want to own it……. greys and all.

Winning!

It’s a major step forward and will only be hindered by the horrible weather we are having!! It is too cold to sit beside a soccer pitch in the rain without a beanie, hair or no hair!!

Nearly 3 months since last round of chemo

About six weeks ago I started in the gym with a physiotherapist who specialises in breast cancer rehabilitation. The aim was to get some strength into those muscles of mine that have sat idle for months, but in a careful and safe way. I felt so weak.

For the first time this week, I noticed a real difference when I completed a set of exercises I couldn’t do a fortnight earlier. My strength is returning. I’ll be ready for the ski field by January yet!

Winning.

There are many health issues cropping up that are unexpected, annoying and embarrassing. The only thing I can do is concentrate on celebrating the small wins.

I’m not normal me (I honestly thought I would be by now). I don’t even know what normal means anymore but I am starting to come to terms with the fact I am forever changed.

Ax

Treatment 3 aftermath: Chemo belly

I feel like a beached whale. I’m tired, I’m fat and I can’t be bothered doing anything remotely close to exercise. No walks and no swims. The bloating and nausea is worse this time. The fatigue unrelenting.

Today I managed to drag myself out of the house for the first time in 3 days. The foreshore was a buzz with ANZAC activity. Although I felt too exhausted to do much but sit on a bench with a cup of tea, it was nice just to be there amongst families enjoying a day off and remembering our soldiers.

ANZAC day Busselton Foreshore

Each cycle is getting harder. The toy soldiers inside me wreak their havoc on a body already feeling depleted. It’s hard not to feel down about it. As a busy, active person it feels so wrong to just roll with the punches. I want to fight and punch back!

I’m so glad I’ve had a bit of work to be getting on with over the last couple of days. It would be too easy to wallow without it. Having a reason to get out of bed makes the day so much easier.

Tomorrow I have a special reason to get up and get going, it is a big day in our family. Our beautiful boy is turning 18! An adult! This afternoon I am conserving my energy for tomorrow’s celebration lunch. He has challenged us over the years, but I am so proud of the man he is growing into. He has shown resilience and confidence in a difficult year at home and maintained his caring and empathetic nature throughout. I look forward to seeing where life takes him. We love you 80 Buzz.

I also look forward to seeing where life takes me after this hiccup in the road! It has to change a person in so many ways. You can no longer take your health for granted. You should no longer push yourself to the limit.

It’s time for me to learn some self compassion!

Ax