Tag Archives: Breast cancer

The emotions

This one might be longer…..

So right now, I am in a phase of healing. It’s physical right? There are cuts and bruises, wounds and drains. But, it would be silly to think there isn’t a big emotional part to healing.

The Breast Care nurse told me, there will be tears on day 3, that’s when the emotional toll rears its head. I thought….. nah I’m different, I’m not emotional about my boobs. At least that part was true (or has been so far). The emotions came, but it was for something entirely different and very unexpected.

At 3am on Friday (day 3, albeit only just) I woke up with a start. I immediately started to cry. I had a sudden realisation…… to explain it, I have to go back and tell you a few things. Many will know these, others……. well what can I say, soon you will know everything about me!!!!

For many years, I have suffered with anxiety. I’ve had all kinds of treatment; psychologists, medication, strategy plans (one of which is writing). Time and time again the people I spoke to said…… you need to find your trauma. At least two said, it is a childhood trauma.

Sorry just had to stop writing for a cry…. (BTW it is 2:49am two days after the first outburst).

I could never figure it out. I had a good childhood, I grew up supported and loved. I got to play the sports I wanted (although sometimes limited by asthma). I ate well. I swam and I swam. Granted, we were the last people in the street to get a CD player but hey…. that couldn’t be it. All of these are Australia memories, I didn’t really have memories of living in New Zealand (in hindsight, that should have been a clue).

Here’s the interesting bit….

On Tuesday night, I had a terrible time. My asthma flared. I was flat on my back, had little movement, didn’t have the drugs I would normally use and I just could not breathe. I was absolutely terrified.

Bam 💥

It had to happen again for me to see it. There was my trauma right there. I was and therefore am, absolutely terrified of not being able to control my breathing.

As a child, I must have constantly been in this state. As it turns out, I was a very sick little girl. I did know that, but the extent to which, I had completely blocked out. Moving to Australia at 8 years old not only served to provide drastic improvement to my health but it was the perfect place for my little brain to build a wall and lock all of that terror away.

I never processed it. I never grew from it. And it held me back big time.

I’ve had two days to chat to Mum, Dad and my sister. We have shared memories and there has been a lot of ‘Ohhhhhhh, that makes sense now’. It has been a beautiful time for all of us.

I now know, this journey will heal so much. I even wonder if breast cancer could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me?

THAT SOUNDS CRAZY but already, it is setting me free.

A (2.0) x

Finding strength

Many people have commented on how strong I have been throughout the ordeal to this point. They ask me how I’m doing it. The answer is quite simple. It’s all about knowledge.

I know this disease. I know how it works, the different types, surgical options, surgical outcomes, other treatment options and recommendations. Through my work, I have literally studied this information to qualify and then seen it over and over.

For this reason, I was able to make quick, clear decisions about what I needed and wanted. I was in the drivers seat. It is the single biggest difference between myself and the average patient in my situation. It is something that you cannot give or recommend or offer to other patients, because it took me 25 years working in the industry in Australia, NZ and the UK to gain it.

What I’m saying is………. only someone with my knowledge could have even attempted to have the strength and clarity I’ve had. I can tell you now, any other cancer diagnosis and it would have been a very different story.

I guess the only thing I could say to others, is to get as much information as you can, then take your time (within reason of course) to make your decision. Having some level of control over your treatment makes a big difference.

For me, there will be other challenges which I will continue to write about. I have experienced several. Writing about them is me processing, dealing with and then moving forward from each one as they arise. I recently discovered how important this process is.

A

Facing reality

I’m still finding it hard to accept I have cancer. I have spent 15 of my 25 year career, finding breast cancers. Then I found mine. That wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Although sometimes I think….. maybe I always knew it was going to happen and then I wonder….. is this what my career was actually about?

I mean let’s face it, in Australia 1 in 7 women will develop breast cancer in their lifetime. The odds are pretty high, unfortunately. Even with no family history. Then there is my dense breasts, my propensity towards being a stress head, liking a drink, taking hormones etc.

Did I do this to myself?

But that is not what this is about. No good can come from blame when it comes to cancer. I know that. Yet, somehow I still went down that rabbit hole.

It’s been almost a month since the radiologist said “I think this is malignant Amber”. I can only just put into words how I am feeling and all my friends know….. I have lots of words. It isn’t often I am speechless!

I feel cheated, I feel pissed off, I feel angry but I also feel resigned, I feel positive, I feel like kicking this thing to the kerb and I will. I feel like demonstrating how well this can go, like finding the positives in the shit storm.

This will be the story of my BooBees, from the inside and outside.

A